Find it hard to believe it's been more than 2 months since I last posted. Maybe I should try and post more often. As part of a routine?

Heaps of crap I could write. Just making this a touching base post.

Today, 18 years ago, I got married.

In two days time it is St Valentine's Day.

I know there is a lot of commercialism associated with that day, but the basic idea behind it, I like. Being able to show your lover or someone close to you that they mean something to you with a gift of something from the heart, I like that idea.

But, because our anniversary was 2 days before St Valentine's Day (SVD), we celebrated SVD only twice - the first year we were together, and the first day after our wedding whilst on our honeymoon. For the following 16 years, nothing.

Since we ended our relationship, I've not had anyone who has wanted to share the day with me. That's not a whine or a complaint, just a fact. And I think the fact that it is 2 days after what used to be my anniversary makes it a difficult time for me.

I will be spending today mostly alone after dropping B to her dad's, and I will be spending SVD alone (after work). Sure it would be nice to have someone to share SVD with, but I think it will be good for me to spend it alone. As I have come to love being by myself, I need to follow that through on days of "importance". I will still have social interaction with my friends online, my friends at work and my pile of cats. I have people who love me and while it's not "someone" who loves me, it means a great deal to have those people in my life.

So a month ago I griped about feeling in limbo.  I set myself a target date to work on getting out of that limbo.  I factored in parenting commitments.  Now it's 3 weeks past that target date and I've still done nothing.


No exercise. No writing. No routine at all.


And while I can deal with those sort of problems (yeah, yeah, I whine, but, whatever) this morning I realised that it is impacting on B too.


A couple of weeks ago we finally (and I mean, finally) cleaned her room.  It was spotless (and still is), completely bare floor, desk space and everything.  Yet she still slept in my bed, because changing the bed is her responsibility and she couldn't be bothered.  While I like my own space, letting her share my bed is easier than getting into an argument about changing the bed.


And yet she still did her homework in the loungeroom on the couch.  Which I let go because at least she was doing homework.


But apparently, not really a lot of it.  Last night I had her in tears (after an unfortunate napping incident on both our counts that actually lasted a couple of valuable homework hours) because she has an assignment due Friday that she wasn't close to finishing, and I'd only been told about on Monday.   She made some excuses about not having class time and being away when they got the assignment.   But she still got the assignment 3 and a half weeks ago.  She also didn't tell me about her athletics carnival (last week) or that there was a notice about the Canberra trip next term with the final amount on it (which went home in early July).  So I went in to talk to her teacher this morning.  She was not surprised to see me and said that she had been speaking to B for the last 2 weeks about getting the assignment done and that her time management skills in class are pretty non-existent.


So, here's my problem.  I have no routine.  I have no motivation.  I have no planning.  And while I can whip out an assignment at the last minute (or a thesis in the last week), B doesn't have that skill (yet?).  She needs some sort of routine.  She needs a good example set.  And by me, goddamn it.  I need to help her get the skills to get these assignments done in time and to a standard that she is capable of.


I got her interim term 2 report yesterday.  She got A's for every subject except 2 B+'s and 1 C+ (anyone surprised it's PE?).  Which tells me she's exceptionally smart.  Yet she is handing in assignment work that is poorly executed, worded and designed.  She had a stress a few weeks ago claiming that she didn't know how to take notes and she wasted an hour of class time because she couldn't figure out what to write down and had to do it for homework.


So here's my plan.  Get the house spotless (just kidding, but maybe workable) and in the time between getting home and dinner, it's homework for us both.  She does her homework, I do something (writing, reviews, reading) that won't disrupt her (ie no tv) and then dinner and then maybe relax time.  Exercise should be thrown in there somewhere, cos we both need to do it.  And then early to bed, probably for both of us, but definitely for her.  Oh, and she gets no after school activity except the one she's been doing all year.



There is only a week to go before school holidays, and that's a week she's with her dad.  So we can start routine while on holidays to make it an easier transition (I hope) but it needs to happen and happen soon.

I finished my thesis 6 weeks ago.  I only got a passing grade, but goddamn it, I passed.  That's bloody briliant, considering the year and a bit I'd had leading up to it.  I will walk up onto that stage to collect my degree with my head held high knowing that I worked hard (well, for the first year anyways) and I never ever have to go to that uni again.

So now what do I do?

I was certain I would be able to just swing that writing thesis mode into writing, if not right away, then soon after.  I haven't.  I made a start on a story that I was going to submit to an anthology competition.   It was a cool idea, especially if the execution worked the way it did (does?) in my head.  But that anthology closed last Friday.  And I didn't even get close to finishing it, let alone polishing it.

I'm still so terribly tired (before this week, of course) and sleep far too much.  An easy answer/solution to that would be exercise, get my energy levels raised.  But that's another thing I've not done.  Exercise.  I have played one game of hockey since I finished thesis, and been to the gym once.  That's not good stats, at all.

I have inhaled movies and tv series.  I've done some knititng.  I've chatted online with friends for hours.  But it all feels like I'm in limbo mode.  Just waiting for something else to happen.  I'm sure it's just me taking some time to give myself a break, but it can go on forever.  I wish sometimes that I could get paid to review books and movies.  I would never have to leave the house, I could work on my own schedule (which is not getting up at 6.30).  Of course, knowing me, I'd get tired of doing something I love for pay.  I get tired of doing anything for too long.

Get a routine, I hear you say.  I'd love to.  But I'm so damn lazy, the idea of having to do anything at a certain time (apart from work, which is always abhorent) is really offputting.  I don't want to wake up at a certain time, do exercise at a certain time, go to bed at a sensible time.  But maybe, if I'm to find what it is I need to do now, that's the best solution for me.  My biggest problem with it is the fact that I parent every second week.  So every second week I have to have a separate routine/timetable that factors in my daughter's commitments.  And when I get home with her, the last thing I feel like doing is going back out to the gym, or sitting down to do something constructive.

Any suggestions are gratefully accepted (but may not be implemented).

After my disappointment at not being able to go to Worldcon last year, I was so pleased to get the funding to go to Swancon/Natcon this year. And apparently I picked a great con to go to.

I don't think I'd be able to adequately put into words everything that I did, learnt and experienced this past weekend.

I'll try, though :D

First, I went with my awesome friend Tracey. So I had company for travelling and in my room.

I made new friends, and actually met in person people I'd heard/read online. (Hello kaelajael )

I caught up with friends I'd not seen for ages, or recently. (Hello cassiphone )

I participated in a panel at the behest of Tehani talking about Spec Fic in the Library.

I won a fez by being runner up in Iron Brain, where I had to read truly terrible fan fic, including a few porn versions.

I met some fabulous authors who I'd admired from afar, including the wonderful Sean Williams.

Being a co-judge for the short story comp, I got to go up on stage to help present (although there were no actual physical award) the winners.

I got a personal reading from flinthart , who also kept me company in Melbourne Airport on the journey back home.

I danced for hours at the Masquerade Ball.

I attended (albeit briefly) a room party.

I laughed at some truly terrible movies.  I learnt how to more accurately write fight scenes. I listened as the future of YA was discussed.

There was more, so much more.  Little details that I am sure will keep me remembering with a great deal of wonderful fondness for my Swancon 2011 experience.

I do now have a longing for more con experiences.  There's always Swancon and Natcon next year, but what else is there this year? (Not that I could afford it, of course!)

I haven't posted for a while.  I know.  There's so much stuff that has happened in the past month and most of it has been positive in some form but right now I'm fairly miserable.

I've gone back to work, which I had been dreading for the whole six weeks I'd had off.  It's ok so far, but I am seriously behind in being organised.

I've not done anywhere near enough on my thesis.  Just can't find a starting point from all the information I've got rattling around in my head.

I am being seriously wussy in asking a guy that I like a lot out.  I kinda did, but didn't get a response either way.  And now I can't work up the courage to do it again.

I am trying to lose weight through both diet and exercise and can't stick to either.

I am not lonely, but am starting to miss having someone to share things with.

I know it sounds like I'm whining.  And I probably am.  But as I said, I miss having someone to share things with, and that includes having a whine every now and then and getting a sympathetic ear.  Without one, I get to do it here.

I wish I could not be this person.  I don't like the whiny me.  But recognising that this might be the start of a depression spiral (and I've gotten good at recognising it but not stopping it) I need to talk about it and try to stop the slide too much.

So, remedy.

Just get organised at work.  Just do it.  And take lots and lots of notes to remind myself to do my job properly.

Thesis.  Just start writing something.  Doesn't matter if I throw it out eventually, just do something to get my brain working in the right direction.

Try again to ask this guy out.  Just do it - thank you Nike.

Weight, ugh.  Just keep plugging at it.  It will get better, I will lose weight.  It will happen, but probably slower than I thought it would.

Enough of a whine?  Probably.  But whether those solutions will work or not, I'll just try.

 Two unrelated things, I know.  But they were both things I wanted to post on this week and I've gotten lazy.

I am a hugger.  If you've ever met me, I've probably given you a hug.  If not, you will be hugged at some stage.  But I'm finding this time of year really interesting for hugs.  Because we are doing a lot of "oh, Merry Christmas!" or "oh, I'm not going to see you for ages!" or "oh, I haven't seen you for ages!" which for me means hugs.  But not everyone likes hugs or is very comfortable with being hugged.  I have a friend who I can only give air hugs and kisses to because she has personal space issues.  And I don't know about my other friends.  There should be a hug-o-meter or something, that gives you an indication of whether they are receptive to being hugged.

I am doing exercise.  Figured it was time to get my lazy arse into action and stop complaining about being fat or unfit and use this big break until I go back to work to not only read heaps, sleep when I want to and write my thesis, I should get fit too.  So I've now done at least 30 minutes of exercise for five days in a row.  I am tired, and not really into it yet, but it takes a while.  I have another 38 days until I go back to work.  I can get fit in that time, I know I can.  Or at least fit enough to give myself my reward.  Which will be tattoo number 3.  On my foot.  Of Japanese Cherry Blossom.

 This has been a journey.  Those who read my silly musings will know that it's been a long and often hard journey for me to get myself back.  I got a bit lost for a while.

It takes time to know yourself.  Know yourself and like yourself, even those parts of you that suck.

I've delved into the world of dating.  I can't even say again, because I've never dated before, not really.  There was one date when I was 16 but I never went out with him again.  Then I went out with Mark but we went straight to "going out", not dating.  It's been interesting and I know there are lots more adventures ahead in the dating world for me.

But last week I got sick.  And I got to talking and thinking (which you do when bed-bound for 4 days).  I realised some stuff (not all happy making) and made some tough calls (not literal ones, did it by email) and did something I never thought I'd do but did it and don't feel overly emotional about it at all.

All this has made me more aware of who I am and my awareness of who I am made me able to do it.  Make sense?

So me, welcome back.  You are awesome.

I have an interesting week to come.

Today and tomorrow will be spent cleaning and finishing things in anticipation of the weekend.

Wednesday I am off to camp with 30 or so grade 8 girls.  Two nights and 3 days of fun filled excitement.  Where we don't have electricity.  Or hot water.  And I have to go outside and do exercise.  Really looking forward to it.  (Of course I'm not, duh!  Anyone who knows me knows how much I loathe the outside).

Back Friday.  Out Friday night with a new friend and her group of friends for drinks.

Saturday will be spent organising, (possibly) cooking and getting prettied up for my friends to come over for my birthday party.  I don't have many RSVP's yet, but as long as there is music, alcohol and cake, I'll be a happy girl.

Sunday I have to go to mass at 10am.  Have to, as in, it's the required mass for the term for all staff.  Bugger.

Then Monday is my actual birthday.

Yay! Birthday!!!

 So Nano starts tomorrow.  It kinda snuck up on me this year.  Months ago it was all, oh yes, of course I'll be doing Nano this year, I'll have finished uni, I have some days off, and ages to work out what to write.

Now, it starts tomorrow.  I am behind in stuff.  I know I am.  I haven't done my tax, which technically ends today, but as it is a Sunday, we get an extra day.  I just kinda kept putting it off because I know I'll have to specify how many days I had Beth for.  Mark couldn't tell me what he put down as he got his tax done, so I'll just make up some amount and hope I don't get into trouble.

But back to Nano.  I started working out a general sort of starting point and for me, it's going to be horror.  I attempted action/thriller a few years ago.  Last year was alternate history fantasy.  So, horror.  I was talking with a friend and he asked what I was going to write.  I replied with "well, I have a lot of anger at the moment, so suspect it will be a first person pov of a very angry person who beats people up for no reason".  And I realised, I am angry.  I have acknowledged many years ago that I have a bit of a violent streak.  I have never taken that out on people, obviously, because that would be bad, but I have thrown many an item across a room in anger, and don't ask any of my immediate family about my yelling.  But actual anger?  Yes.  I've got some.  And maybe if I can write it in a story, I might be able to release some of that.  Because it's not aimed at myself, but at my current (financial/personal) situation.  Because it sucks.  But wallowing in that is only going to make me unhappy and I've been working very hard on being the best me I can be.  So, write it all out.  And maybe add in some boxing.

I've got my second tattoo. And yes, I suspect I will be getting more in the ensuing years. I love it. Even though there's one slight error I'll need to get fixed (an straight accent has turned out a little curved like a breath mark) it is a tattoo to mark the new me. It says (in Ancient Greek) "man's character is his destiny" and no, not man, but mankind. Was said sometime around 500BCE by an Ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus who also said some other cool stuff, but this one I like. To me it means, who you are is who you are and what you will be. You can't change what you are deep down, and nor should you.  And that I think, is where I want to be.  I need to be who I am, no apologies, no looking back.  And if having to get angry and then write it out for a while is what I need to do, well then, so be it.